Moving On

So...I'm not sure if there is supposed to be a moment where something clicks and just like that – bam – you are over someone, but I do believe there is a particular sensation of knowing you are moving on. It's been about 3 1/2 months since my break-up with Clark and I am feeling a sort of clarity.

As I've said before, music tends to be my therapy and lately I have been noticing some songs where I can totally relate and I almost feel like I wrote the song. The one I like best is called Light Years Away by MoZella. It's interesting that you sometimes don't see or hear things until you are really ready to, because I've probably heard this song 50 times but it wasn't until about the 45th time that I really paid attention to the lyrics and caught myself saying, "yea, that's how i feel!" It basically talks of acceptance of how things are now and not being angry or sad anymore.

My favorite line is, "I don't blame you anymore, that's too much pain to store." Sometimes I still think I should be so much more angry than I actually am, but it really is too much pain and not worth filling up my brain with something that hurts when there is nothing I can do about it. She also talks about the entire experience – the pain, the crying, the near insanity and depression – actually saving her life. I feel this way too. I can only imagine staying in the "hard place" that I never accepted was a fundamental issue of why I shouldn't be with the guy until he screwed up and broke my heart. It's then that all the flaws, issues, red flags, etc. come to light and you think, "I was about to live with that the rest of my life?" It's really amazing how blind love is.

But I do think that even though I wasn't unhappy at the point he decided to break my heart, I would have figured it out later...and later can really ruin your life depending on how invested you are with marriage and kids. So ultimately, him breaking my heart...the pain and tears and self-doubt and everything in between was so very worth it. It saved my life. I know now how much happier I can be and how truly deserving that person will be of my love. In a time like this, I thought...maybe I'm all out of love or not capable of loving someone without being afraid of getting hurt for the third time in a row. But actually, I feel like I have more love to give than ever before. I have another chance to get it right and it's going to be wonderful.

Here are the lyrics to my song. It's definitely worth downloading it from itunes because the melody and her voice make it that much better. ;)

Artist: MoZella
Song: Light Years Away

It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won't talk about the hard place

But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

I think I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was

Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life

That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away