For the past four months life has been at a much slower pace for me. Sometimes I even think it's been too slow, if that's possible. I planned my trip to Spain what seems like a century ago and I've been slowly preparing and finalizing plans and anxiously awaiting the day I finally leave. With most things set in place (other than the packing, which I am really dreading trying to shove my entire life into 2 big bags) here I sit with exactly three weeks until the departure.
My cat is currently sitting next to me looking up at me with her loving eyes, thinking "my mom is never leaving my side." I have to say, this will be one of the harder parts of me leaving. She is very attached and might go through a little bit of withdrawal without me around. I think I might too. But I know she is in a good home with people who love her and will take care of her just as well. If I could bring her, she would be on that plane with me. I have to say, this little feline has been through everything with me for the past four years and has faithfully remained my companion through it all. She knows when I'm sad and knows exactly how to soothe me. Pets are really incredible. I have read about psychological studies and how it's proven that people who have pets are generally much less depressed than those that don't have pets. Fascinating. I believe it.
I have a few more plans before I leave. My brother Ben has generously offered to fly me into Tulsa over Labor Day weekend to see him and his wife, Nadja. They basically moved to Tulsa when I left and I never got to see their home. I don't know about you, but there is something about seeing where my loved ones live that puts my mind at ease. I know they are fine even if I don't get to see it but it's nice to really picture them in their environment and know that they are happy. I felt the same way earlier this summer when I finally got to see my brother Ari and his wife in San Francisco. Maybe it's a woman thing. I don't know.
The following weekend I am going up to Austin (sigh) one last time to see my best friend Diana. She and her friend Ashley just moved into an apartment together and they are having a housewarming party. They are both second year grad students at UT and will be finishing up their Master's this year. Smarties. It's going to be tough not seeing Di for 6 months. She has sort of become my rock in all my strife (besides my parents) and I know I will feel a little lost without her to lean on while I'm gone. Of course it will be good for me to be on my own. So I'm not worried, but I sure will miss her.
And last but certainly not least, the week of my departure I have a lovely appointment scheduled at a spa for a full "suburban delight" treatment thanks to my parents who thought it would be a great birthday gift. The package includes a luxurious massage, facial, lunch from one of my favorite restaurants and a manicure and pedicure so I can leave the country looking fabulous! I'm very excited.
So that's what's happening with me. I would love to hear from any and all of you within the next few weeks to catch up, say goodbye, etc. Gimme a call, or better yet come see me! Love to you all.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Moving On
So...I'm not sure if there is supposed to be a moment where something clicks and just like that – bam – you are over someone, but I do believe there is a particular sensation of knowing you are moving on. It's been about 3 1/2 months since my break-up with Clark and I am feeling a sort of clarity.
As I've said before, music tends to be my therapy and lately I have been noticing some songs where I can totally relate and I almost feel like I wrote the song. The one I like best is called Light Years Away by MoZella. It's interesting that you sometimes don't see or hear things until you are really ready to, because I've probably heard this song 50 times but it wasn't until about the 45th time that I really paid attention to the lyrics and caught myself saying, "yea, that's how i feel!" It basically talks of acceptance of how things are now and not being angry or sad anymore.
My favorite line is, "I don't blame you anymore, that's too much pain to store." Sometimes I still think I should be so much more angry than I actually am, but it really is too much pain and not worth filling up my brain with something that hurts when there is nothing I can do about it. She also talks about the entire experience – the pain, the crying, the near insanity and depression – actually saving her life. I feel this way too. I can only imagine staying in the "hard place" that I never accepted was a fundamental issue of why I shouldn't be with the guy until he screwed up and broke my heart. It's then that all the flaws, issues, red flags, etc. come to light and you think, "I was about to live with that the rest of my life?" It's really amazing how blind love is.
But I do think that even though I wasn't unhappy at the point he decided to break my heart, I would have figured it out later...and later can really ruin your life depending on how invested you are with marriage and kids. So ultimately, him breaking my heart...the pain and tears and self-doubt and everything in between was so very worth it. It saved my life. I know now how much happier I can be and how truly deserving that person will be of my love. In a time like this, I thought...maybe I'm all out of love or not capable of loving someone without being afraid of getting hurt for the third time in a row. But actually, I feel like I have more love to give than ever before. I have another chance to get it right and it's going to be wonderful.
Here are the lyrics to my song. It's definitely worth downloading it from itunes because the melody and her voice make it that much better. ;)
Artist: MoZella
Song: Light Years Away
It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won't talk about the hard place
But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
I think I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away
As I've said before, music tends to be my therapy and lately I have been noticing some songs where I can totally relate and I almost feel like I wrote the song. The one I like best is called Light Years Away by MoZella. It's interesting that you sometimes don't see or hear things until you are really ready to, because I've probably heard this song 50 times but it wasn't until about the 45th time that I really paid attention to the lyrics and caught myself saying, "yea, that's how i feel!" It basically talks of acceptance of how things are now and not being angry or sad anymore.
My favorite line is, "I don't blame you anymore, that's too much pain to store." Sometimes I still think I should be so much more angry than I actually am, but it really is too much pain and not worth filling up my brain with something that hurts when there is nothing I can do about it. She also talks about the entire experience – the pain, the crying, the near insanity and depression – actually saving her life. I feel this way too. I can only imagine staying in the "hard place" that I never accepted was a fundamental issue of why I shouldn't be with the guy until he screwed up and broke my heart. It's then that all the flaws, issues, red flags, etc. come to light and you think, "I was about to live with that the rest of my life?" It's really amazing how blind love is.
But I do think that even though I wasn't unhappy at the point he decided to break my heart, I would have figured it out later...and later can really ruin your life depending on how invested you are with marriage and kids. So ultimately, him breaking my heart...the pain and tears and self-doubt and everything in between was so very worth it. It saved my life. I know now how much happier I can be and how truly deserving that person will be of my love. In a time like this, I thought...maybe I'm all out of love or not capable of loving someone without being afraid of getting hurt for the third time in a row. But actually, I feel like I have more love to give than ever before. I have another chance to get it right and it's going to be wonderful.
Here are the lyrics to my song. It's definitely worth downloading it from itunes because the melody and her voice make it that much better. ;)
Artist: MoZella
Song: Light Years Away
It's almost like you had it planned
It's like you smiled and shook my hand and said
"Hey, I'm about to screw you over, big time"
And what was I supposed to do?
I was stuck in between you and a hard place
We won't talk about the hard place
But I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
It's how you wanted it to be
It's like you played a joke on me
And I lost a friend
In the end
And I think that I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
I think I cried for days
But now that seems light years away
And I'm never going back
To who I was
Cause I don't blame you anymore
That's too much pain to store
It left me half dead
Inside my head
And boy, looking back I see
I'm not the girl I used to be
When I lost my mind
It saved my life
That life seems like light years away
Light years away
And that life seems like light years away
Light years away
Monday, August 06, 2007
Rach's surprise 30th
Yay for completely shocking Rachel for her 30th birthday! Way to go Ari. Rachel already had what she thought was her party back in San Fran on the actual day of her birthday. Then Ari woke her up Friday morning and told her they were taking a little trip, a quiet weekend in Austin just for them. Little did she know she was going to walk into a room of 40+ people (all her family and friends) waiting to celebrate with her. We had a great time at Pok-E-Jo's BBQ Friday night and then spent the entire day on Lake Travis on Saturday eating, drinking, jet skiing, riding in a boat, etc. It was a beautiful day . Couldn't have asked for a better one on the lake. The photo above is my big birthday kiss to Rach. Love you sis! :)
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